你在出国留学文书里写过的最漂亮的句子是什么？

DOVE175 · 2021-10-28 07:58:21

作者：做留学的舒老板
链接：https://www.zhihu.com/question/43158036/answer/760281383
来源：知乎
著作权归作者所有。商业转载请联系作者获得授权，非商业转载请注明出处。

在之前的答案中我们讲了PS和SOP的关系，简而言之就是本科生的PS就是字面意思的Personal Statement，而研究生有的时候会要求写SOP（目的陈述），有的时候会只要求PS，有的时候两者都要。如果单独要求，那么都可以当做SOP写，如果都要求，那就按本来的意义写。

研究生的SOP会要求很多专业领域的东西，如果不了解，很容易写得很浅，没有亮点。一些同学找机构帮忙写文书，他们也往往很难写好。因为一旦涉及到深度内容，就必须对专业知识有一定的了解和理解，这是一个非相关专业的文书导师很难做到的。这也是为什么我们一直强调和建议在我们平台使用文书写作服务的同学，一定要在官网上寻找和你专业相匹配的导师的原因。

寻找匹配的导师——

导师信息 AdmitWrite留学当然如果你自己有初稿，只需要润色，可以找我们平台的外籍导师帮忙。

好了，进入正题。

首先，PS不应该有废话，也不应该有多余的结构。

开头就应该有开头的意义和任务，在PS的结构中，开头通常都是用来回答这两个问题的：

为什么选择这个专业？为什么选择这个项目？

回答这两个问题，我们首先要做的事情就是回首往事，对自己进行反思。是什么样的理由让你做出了这样的选择，情感、经济还是其他？那些心情急迫的同学可能很想跳过这一步，直接开写。很可惜，他们大多数都会遭遇写不出满意的开头的障碍，甚至连第一句话都写不好。

我们反思、回忆的时候，大概涉及的内容：

2. 改变过你的主要事件

3. 激励你申请这项专业的个人经历

4. 影响过你或者是鼓励过你的人

（贴心服务：如果你不知道PS里面到底写什么，应该准备什么素材，我们会提供一份资料收集表，同时分配一个专业匹配的导师帮助你完成文书的创作。）

等我们整理好素材，就可以放心地来写开头了。

通常研究生的PS开头我们建议都是直接写出重要的信息，开门见山。这和本科生申请的PS不太一样。本科申请，学校会更加考察你的综合素质，他们比较愿意看看你的故事，你是什么性格，有什么兴趣爱好等等。而研究生申请尤其是PhD申请，招生人员更愿意你直接写和专业更相关的内容。尤其是很多人讲故事总是讲不太清楚，反而让人失去阅读的兴趣。即便你一定要讲故事，也请一定要简洁，非常容易读懂。举个例子，我们有这么一个申请研究生的学生，他的开头是这样写的：
他用极其简洁的语句回顾了少年时的某件事，这件事开启了他对于将要申请的这个专业的兴趣。这也成为他在国内念本科时选择这个专业的原因。

就这么一个简单的开头，很清楚地回答了我们的问题。接下来更多的内容则是关于他在这个专业上的经历：

然后他大篇幅介绍了他在学习专业课程以及实践过程中遇到的困难，以及自己是如何克服这些困难的，顺带描述了团队合作的情节。通过这部分的描写，一位对自己的专业怀有极大兴趣探求真理的坚韧努力的主人公的形象跃然纸上，他克服困难并且变得更自信的描写，更是深深地打动人心。

接着他用比较短的篇幅表达了自己打算继续深造的意愿，并且列举了要申请的高校、专业、项目的情况，包括科研成就和培养学生的方式等，来证明自己是多么地合适这个学校、专业、项目。
最后，他又用很短的篇幅写自己未来的发展规划。

而本科申请的PS开头则更加灵活，讲故事可能也是就成为了大家最常用的方式。无论是研究生申请还是本科申请，无论是以一段个人经历开头还是以新闻事件开头，我们在描述这些经历的时候，一定要注意：

【如有留学相关问题或者有文书服务需求，请添加微信： admitwrite101 详细咨询~】

讲述经历，一定要抓细节。

当然很多人不可避免地会采用“when i was a child”或者类似的开场，讲述童年也许并不是一个明智的选择，但绝对是一个很多人都会采用的选择。而且在获得offer的人群中，也有相当一部分人是采用这样的开场。但我们还是建议大家慎重以童年故事开场，因为这个套路虽然简单，但是太普遍了。有些招生官甚至明确说厌倦了这样的开场，为什么不提时间离现在更近一些的经历呢？比如高中时候的故事。那也许更真实更容易接受。

讲故事首先遵循真实可信的原则，当然这里的真实可信其实重点是可信，只要你做到可信，并且和你的其他申请材料能够得到互相印证，就算是有些编造成分其实也可以。但我们并不建议你编造，因为你可能并不擅长撒谎。

要想故事真实可信，就一定会善于描写细节。细节是什么？细节就是具体的东西。以时间为例，“in 2010”或者“7 years ago”比“when i was a child ”要具体，即便不具体到哪一年，用“当我初三的时候”也比“我小的时候”更给人真实感。这是时间的具体。

再举个例子：

During my second year of engineering, I joined ‘Teach Math’, a local NGO, where I was a part of the Math tutoring team. For a period of 10 months, I taught basic math like algebra, geometry and arithmetic to more than thirty 5th and 6th grade students. And every single student I taught to, secured an A in math that year.

During my second year of engineering就是具体的时间，接下来无论是For a period of 10 months还是more than thirty 5th and 6th grade students都是在用细节在讲述，尤其是其中起到量化作用的数字。细节决定你的真实程度。

同时，细节也决定你这个开头的说服力。我们的开头不仅仅要完成吸引人的兴趣、开启下文的任务——

还要给出足够有力的理由，说服阅读者相信你说的故事，让他们看到你身上的特质/闪光点。

特质就是我们要表现的，自己身上有的，而对方想要看到的优秀品质。你的专业能力，研究能力、潜力，团队合作能力，沟通能力，抗压能力，行动力，领导力等等等等（当然PS也要和其他文书材料进行配合，不要重复其他材料中已经有的东西，尽量从不同角度去表达）。

当然，你可以直接这样表扬自己：我的团队合作能力很强，沟通能力很强，对专业很有热情……

但这种直接的表达问题在于说服力实在太弱了。作为阅读这份PS的招生人员，他们完全感受不到你真的有这些品质。

在PS写作当中，我们讲述具体经历的时候，可以遵循这个框架：你做了什么，怎么做的（具体过程，用了什么方法），结果是什么，你收获了什么。

你说你行动力强，你就去讲一个可以证明你这个优点的经历，比如曾经老师布置了一个非常难以完成的课题XXX，但你通过（1、2、3）种方式，解决了（1、2、3）种困难，在一个月之内就完成了这个任务，最终掌握了XXX学会了XXX。当读者看完你的经历，不但会直观地感受到你是一个行动力强的人，而且也能看到你其他的优点……

当然，这一部分的描写通常都是放在中间，介绍我们在专业上的经历的时候会用的。

开头的形式

名言能够帮助我们更好的表达，但有些同学是为了引用而引用，没考虑到自己是不是真的需要这么一句。要知道，我们使用名言并不是用来装逼的，而是用来说明问题的，你要请明确这一点。如果你的名言并非服务于你的某个目的（要表达的东西），那么这个名言最好还是删掉。

其次，名言虽然都不错，但如果是一些被大家用得太频繁的名言，建议还是慎重使用。这会让人看上去千篇一律，没有诚意。比如前面有人提到的“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do foryour country”，咱们的案例中还真有人这么写初稿。既要新颖，又要恰当，是使用名言开头的要点。

2. 以某个事件开头

在我们的经历中，总会经历这样那样的事情，有些足够重大能够影响我们人生的选择。“你为什么选择这个专业？”，如果你有这样的故事，那就讲出来，让招生官看到。

3. 以专业为切入点开头

不知道怎么开始？那就直接谈专业，谈谈你对你所申请的专业的见解，它的发展现状，将来的发展前景等等。不过谈专业一般要求学生本身的专业水平要达到一定的程度，否则很容易谈得不伦不类，即便开头讲好了，接下来也不太容易保持一致是水准。

4. 开门见山式开头

当你实在想不出什么精彩的开头的时候，那就不妨直接写我们申请的目的：What I am pursuing now is a master degree of ……….当然，这是一个相当普通的开头，但对于研究生申请来说已经足够了。

当然，有的同学会说，攻略我看了无数篇，但是还是很难下笔，怎么办呢？或者说，我申请在即，还要刷分，实在没时间没精力去琢磨出精彩的文书了怎么办呢？

如果你没把握自己搞定PS，那效率最高的方式是——果断就找其他人，或者找机构帮忙。

同学们可能会说你利益相关说这话不客观。但我想提醒大家的是，咱最终追求的终究是拿到想要的offer对不对？那在你自己大概率会搞砸，找机构或者他人就能轻松解决这个问题时候，你如何选择？

不过我并不是说随便找个人或者机构就可以，找别人写文书，对这个人的要求自然不能低。无论是找个人还是找机构，大家一定要明白，真正帮你写文书的，是一个人，他的能力和负责任的程度，基本决定了你文书的质量。

说能力，最适合帮你写文书的应该是什么样的人？我们给出的答案是有海外名校留学背景的学长学姐。UCLA，UIUC，加州伯克利行不行？哈佛，斯坦福，普林斯顿，MIT……行不行？显而易见，这个群体是最有资格帮你写文书的。

还有一个我们平台一直强调的同专业匹配的问题，申请中我们一直说要和学校项目match，找导师，也要match，否则他甚至没有你了解你想申请的专业。

如果你已经写好了初稿，只是想做进一步修改、润色，我们平台也有许多优秀的外籍导师，他们能够提供非常native的英语写作，让你的PS更加地道！

当然，无论是文书写作还是文书修改，我们都提供30天不限次数修改服务，根据统计，来我们平台使用文书服务的同学，无论是文书写作还是文书修改，最终被修改的次数，基本上都在2次以上，多的可能有5、6次。大家出去找留学机构，不给你多次修改机会的，请你一定要当心。因为文书都是改出来的，不允许多次修改就是耍流氓！

【如有留学相关问题或者有文书服务需求，请添加微信： admitwrite101 详细咨询~】

如果你还有其他文书方面的问题，记得来咨询我们的专业导师。

<hr/>AdmitWrite，基于共享经济模式建立的知名互联网留学平台，留学届Uber。迄今为止，平台入驻世界顶级名校导师已超过1000名，实现美国TOP30，英国G5，澳洲八大等多个地区名校全覆盖。学术大牛？名校学霸？外籍名校导师？牛人汇集地，你想要的都在这里。人文社科/商科/工科？理科/艺术/法学？不管什么方向，我们都能为你匹配同专业名校学霸，申请so easy！中介价格不划算？线上模式，拒绝无谓成本，打造极致专业度，极具性价比服务，让每一分钱都花到实处。
大牛谈留学之申请硬知识可以关注专栏：
学霸谈美国申请：哥大学姐带你冲藤校
大牛谈英国留学：剑桥学姐带你申海外名校
海量名校实战申请经验：海外名校申请经验

海外名校申请经验

胡禁哪立禁 · 2021-10-28 15:03:15

题主需要讲清楚是申请高中，本科还是研究生的文书，因为他们的侧重点是完全不一样的。在侧重品质，学习潜力，专业倾向，学术成就，活动展示甚至情怀和幽默感等方面的度是不一样的。那么接下来我就通过一系列具体的实例（主要是大陆地区申请者）成功申请到美国名校的真实案例来解答这个问题，希望能给题主一些参考。（答主私人微信号:13382004272, 需要转载请联系我稿费事宜，本人长期提供名校留学申请咨询和个性化申请文书的写作和润色服务）
案例分析一：
2014年申请到美国（Harvard Univeristy) 本科的某同学的文书分析。
After  several unsuccessful attempts to write the essay which establishes  myself as the perfect kid who had won the world all figured out and  blows the doors to college open for him, i have come to learn with great  disappointment that I may not be the most mature student every college  could hope for. I am, after all, only an insignificant 18-year-old who  is trying to explore himself and teh world around him.
(这个首段的写法，能够隐约体现出申请者的CRITICAL THINKING的思维，兼具谦虚，理性，务实等特点，略带自嘲的幽默感，能够让招生官产生好的印象。）
I  explore myself by writing. I love to pour my heart out into my journal  and come back to reminisce about the pieces of me later. sometimes, i  laugh reading my childish toughts, but i am proud of them nevertheless,  for these thoughts, however, immature they may be, were still part and  parcel of the person i was and my attempts to understand myself better.
(对于文科生来说，突出的也许只能是思维能力，写作和阅读能力）
My  life has been the epitome of the perfection of an innately flawed self.  And yet being around people who are too perfect makes me bored because i  find nothing people-like in them. Perfection, it seems to me, is  itsself a form of imperfection.
（flawed beauty 很有CR的思维）
I  have learned the hard way not to dwell on my past achievements too much  because doing so might be the very thing that keeps a person from  getting better. One&#39;s real strength, as I perceive, comes from his  ability to keep making progress and to keep learning, both inside and  outside the classroom.
My regular contempation over life has  taught me a lot of valuable lessons, one of which being it is equally  important to quit thinking anout life and to just live it.
I  have lofty ambitions for my life as dreams are what make men great. But i  won&#39;t grow sullen or dejected either if my dreams are not realized, for  an ordinary life with sunrise, music and the ones I love is already  amazing enough.
（这就是高晓松说的“生活不只有成功和眼前的苟且，还有日落，音乐和挚爱）。挺洒脱的，如果中学生真的能做到这点。估计不能。
Sometimes,  i am annoyed by people who gush that China is developing at an  unprecedented speed because they have ignored the fact that some  fundamental elements such as democracy and freedom of speech which are  crucial to any nation&#39;s development in the long term are absent in  China. But i am more annoyed by people who spend all day complaining  about this absence and thus fail to see the bright side of China. As far  as I am concerned, seeing the dark side of a society does not  necessarily mean being cynical. After all, only if a person truely loves  this world can he make it a better place.
(再次通过巨大的转折，和批判性思维将作者的思维水平更加准确的表现出来，尤其是这句：”seeing the dark side of a society does not  necessarily mean being cynical.“ 是整篇文章的亮点。）最后一句：After all, only if a  person truely loves this world can he make it a better place. 是不是有种看了  2016年最新Disney Movie&#34; Zootopia&#34; 《疯狂动物城》里面的台词啊，看来优秀和情怀是想通的。
The funny thing is that the more i learn, the more ignorant i feel. （很谦虚的写法，但的确是符合CR的理念的） the fact that i keep having new recognitions just reminds me that no  matter how much knowledge i posses in the future. i will always remain  immature and foolish facing all of the things the whole world contains.  But to me, that is exactly the exciting part of life. I will always have  so much yet to learn and the major discoveries in my life permanetly  life ahead. So i guess in the end, i am glad that i have not had the  world all figured out yet. In fact, I hope i never will. After all, i  can not think of a worse scenario than the one with nothing left to  learn.
学习，保持永远的学习，和首段的观点基本一致，是一篇完整ESSAY的要求。最后一句很有力量，采用了双重否定的强调句型。表达了求知若渴的状态，咱哈佛不就是要这种谦虚，有思想，保持旺盛的学习的动力的学生吗？

案例分析二： 2016年申请到美国罗彻斯特大学本科的申请文书package的suppliment essays:

Answer  Essay Question: February 2015 saw global, record-breaking low  temperatures in the Eastern US and Rochester. Students here who thrive  in white winters (and three beautiful other seasons) wonder how can you  make Rochester &#39;&#39;ever-cooler&#39;&#39;?
ESSAY RESPONSE. Answer Essay  Question: February 2015 saw global, record-breaking low temperatures in  the Eastern US and Rochester. Students here who thrive in white winters  (and three beautiful other seasons) wonder how can you make Rochester  &#39;&#39;ever-cooler&#39;&#39;? (max 250 words)
这个题目是不是很“狗血”，这个题目是不是很酷，如何让ROCHESTER 大学看上去更酷？
在2016年申请文出题狗血程度上，也许只有芝加哥大学和MIT的文书能够超越这道题目了。
Living  in Rochester campus, students have to enjoy the white landscape and  endure the boring atmosphere of snowing and snowing. This is especially “  cool” and even cold. In order to end up this boring situation, I decide  to operate and manage a live concert in the snowing days and even I  expect to carry out this activity annually.

As I am a layman of  music, I am still fully confident in the University of Rochester because  of the highly-standing school of Eastman in the University of  Rochester. Frankly, I am not sure whether I can lobby the fraternity and  other schoolmates in music department to join us. But I will try my  best because it is the best time for make our school ever cooler,  standing out of the competitors in the USNEWS university rankings.
能够写出这个答案的同学，需要对于美国的大学的学院设置比较熟悉，ROCHESTER 有美国三大顶级音乐学院之一的伊士曼音乐学院，所以可以巧妙将2者联系在一起。
So,  to prepare a concert in Rochester University successfully, I think we  should have a huge repertoire of songs of various composers，a cluster of  “singing birds” and be strong in orchestra music as well as a pile of  music instruments as there are the edifice of a proper live concert .  All these preparations can be available in Rochester while unavailable  in other academies. You may not find a institute both with such a  wonderful music academy, institutes, and snowing landscape.
Financial  Sponsorship is also important as it will be the engine to carry out the  live super” snowing concert” annually. I need to take more time to  think carefully about a shortlist of companies that have a demonstrated  interest in this concert. By qualifying leads in advance, I expect to  have better results in advance and spend my time on the highest possible  necessary attempts (i.e. the warmest welcoming speech).
本文的写作需要一定的想象力，更需要对于美国大学比较熟悉的背景知识，另外也能体现申请商学院的申请者的“潜在商业思维”  和运作“类似商业活动的组织，创造和实施的能力”，相对于欠缺想象力的其他申请者来说，本文能让申请者的思维水平 prop up 在招生官的眼前。

案例分析三：内蒙古大学市场营销系学生申请到USC 南加州大学（财务）专业硕士的文书分析。
                                             Personal Statement
Interestingly, when comparing with my classmates both in childhood and  university , I find myself quite rare as Chinese companions are hardly  both featured with the strong sensitivity in analyzing statistics and  adept skills in expressing abilities. However, my comprehensive  abilities both in calculation and language skills are by nature and  nurture. Ever since I was a little child, I had a good sense in numbers  and mathematics. This interest and innate capacity can be illustrated  clearly. For example, in my senior high school I was attracted by the  Mathematical Olympiad and then participated in which I got one of the  total 40 entrance tickets through a competitive selection test over the  whole city. Right now, I have learned more complicated mathematic  knowledge and many scientific methods to do statistical analysis, data  management and diagram analysis. I also realized that statistics is so  important and the ability to make use of them is of great importance to  research and study in any field. This is a work that needs great  carefulness and a good sense in statistics and they are just where my  strengths lie.
Unfortunately, I once a time had a misconception  that accounting subject alone fails to help me constitute a complete  cognition of the world, although I understand the overt advantages for  majoring the accounting for myself. I thought that accounting work is  only a simple record of data, without any creativity and inspiration and  only by being patient can solve everything in accounting jobs. So, I  chose marketing as my major instead and continued to study in XX  University which witnessed my fully-fledged development. During my  undergraduate years, I fully developed my social abilities and realized  my inner potentials there. My major, marketing, opened a brand new  window for me to an unfamiliar world full of wonders, and enabled me to  communicate better with the business world. I was hard-working in this  major. I honorably won the financial inspirational scholarship of  National Development Bank in the 15th December, 2013 and won the honor  certificate of national scholarship in December the 20th, 2014 with an  overall GPA 3.7 score.
Motivated by my language talent and strong  sense in marketing, I soon became better at sales and marketing than  most of my classmates, organizing many campus contests, parties and had  won many prizes. Apart from academic performance, I have also been very  active in extracurricular activities. I was the vice president of Junior  Achievement Club in my school and organized many campus activities such  as welcoming party, graduation ceremony and job mock interviews. In  order to make clear about what students’ popular concerns are and what  they really want to learn from this activity, I designed an  internet-based survey on the school network. After collecting more than a  hundred feedbacks, I summed up all the results, classified similar  answers, concluded the top 3 concerns and reported to the Club  president. Based on the result of the survey, our preparation went  smoothly and efficiently, and finally the activity was very successful.  From then on, I became very interested in doing research and analysis  before carrying out a strategy, and found it valuable and very  meaningful to adjust strategies in management communication or adopt  suitable measures to meet the taste of “customers”.
Luckily, my  mom, who is a highly skillful accountant, corrected my misconception on  the core value of accounting and raised high requirements for excellent  accountants. She said that the group of top level accountants always  mastered a certain degree of logical analysis, flexible strategies and  high vision on certain professionals. A wonderful CFO can manage well  the operation of both large corporation and small company by doing  financial analysis on their financial statements. Encouraged by my mom, I  successfully passed the Chinese certificate of accounting  qualification.
Now, I started my intern in an accounting firm  where I had the chance to have a professional training, including the  study of the basic principles of accounting, auditing and tax, provided  by this company for all the non-accounting background staffs. These  training courses, plus with a series of business courses in university,  allowed me to understand clearly what and how a professional auditor  should know and behave. Accounting professional needs a strong  background of professional knowledge and rich experience in practice.  Besides, this company sometimes invites professors from famous  universities to offer CPA lessons for us. During this half-year-over  practical working in accounting firm, I have participated in a given  field of practical accounting works, including year-end audit, asset  reconstruction audit and internal control audit for many large  corporations in a number of industries. Through these working  experiences, I have become more familiar with the accounting principles  and been skilled in my accounting techniques. Now ,I am very experienced  in using the computer software and tools to analyze and calculate the  figures , such as Excel、E-audit，Jiu-Qi Report software，SAP corporation  management software.
Therefore, I believe now is the best time  for me to apply for the accounting program, since it can equip me with  more in-depth training in financial analysis and general accounting,  which will help me achieve both my intermediate and long-term goals. My  intermediate goal is to receive a complete and systematic education of  accounting as my graduate study, and work in an international company  doing financial analysis upon graduation to gain more working experience  and become more professional. Likewise, my long-term career goal is to  become a professional financial analyst who provides objective financial  analysis and offers effective advices on the company’s operation and  development from the perspectives of statistical figures and financial  report. After that, I will keep working hard to reach my long-term and  final career goal – to become a professional financial analyst. I  believe in the immediate future those who are equipped with a solid  international accounting and financial background will be hailed greatly  no matter in china mainland or in other regions.
It seems to be  casualness in my past experiences, but it was logical to line up all the  separate strengths together. While marketing professional training  requires a creative and innovative thinking to explore new things out of  the” BOX”, a qualified accountant is calm and rigorous, being able to  deal with works in strictly logic manner. But in the face of how to  maximize the profit of the corporation business, logic cannot be  separated from creative thinking. In order to scale new heights  academically and to lay a solid foundation for my future career  development, I would like to apply for a Master’s program in accounting  program at highly-standing Marshall School of Business at USC as the top  accounting program in the United States for its renowned faculty. I now  have a burning desire to start a new journey there to become more  competitive in the accounting field, expecting to be initiated into a  first-rate academic environment in which my academic foundation will be  surely consolidated and my business potential will be strengthened. I  believe I am a competent applicant based on my professional intern  experience and clear career goals, and I sincerely ask for your  favorable consideration for admission.
In order to scale new  heights academically and to lay a solid foundation for my future career  development, I would like to apply for a Master’s program in accounting  program at highly-standing Marshall School of Business at USC as the top  accounting program in the United States for its renowned faculty. I now  have a burning desire to start a new journey there to become more  competitive in the accounting field, expecting to be initiated into a  first-rate academic environment in which my academic foundation will be  surely consolidated and my business potential will be strengthened. I  believe I am a competent applicant based on my professional working  experience and clear career goals, and I sincerely ask for your  favorable consideration for admission.
案例分析四：吉林大学 EE 专业同学申请到纽约大学NYU-POLY 的ECE专业研究生的文书分析：
                                                   Personal Statment

The irrefutable perseverance in pursuing the “absolute accuracy” is my honor and one of my self-disciplines. I always hold critical thinking or doubts on those printed papers and then sent them to writers despite that these behaviors are not fully supported by Chinese fellowships. Take some published books as examples, in the second edition of 《EDA Technology and Application》，which is the authoritative book in the departments of computer science and information technology. I surprisingly found that the program in the question” 4-bit parity check circuit with the preset verified reduced value” violated the regulations of VHDL language as it is forbidden for any forms of WAIT sentences in the listed process of sensitive parameter. To name but a few, there are even at least 5 mistakes or errors in our teachings books I have found both in terms of publication and in the deducing process. The rigidity and perseverance in my personality guide me to work on the natural science without any hesitation.
My recent research program on optimal recognition of warehouse goods began with a journey back to my hometown this new-year holiday in winter. I went by a small dock yard where I used to play with pats in my childhood. I found that stevedores there were loading and transferring the goods delivered by trucks and they worked very hard especially during the cold weather when their skins in the face and hands were mostly frosted with backs being humped under heavy pressure. Their jobs mainly consist of two parts---unloading the goods in different weight, size and fillers from trucks and then relocating them in different warehouses waiting to be transported again. These jobs were quite laborious and energy-wasteful especially when they need to re-recognize and re-classify the goods in different containers after having been loaded for several days, because the labels and tags there were easily to be missing and got messed up. I showed my great sympathy on them and this also ignites my potential curiosity and passion to make use of my ECE knowledge to help improve their working efficiency and avoid being frosted more.
After the new year ’s holiday, I was eagerly to find the proper solutions to help them while coincidently got to know that Professor Xia, in South-east university which is an fairly famous university in the fields of electronic engineering and other science subjects, was leading a project on optimal recognition of warehouse goods for several months. I lobbied the professor to allow me to take part in the project. Unlike the manual recognition, this trial aims to automatically identify the detailed information of intended goods and then make accurate analysis. Prior to the scanning, the operation system was equipped in the fixed place in the manufacturing line. Once the trial took action, the released optical messages were delivered and cameras then would collect these data which were then transmitted to industrial computers. After the automatic recognition system works on these scaled pictures and bar codes, this system can make the correspondingly immediate response. Interior factors like numbers, size and genres of fillers in their pre-set experimental variables were rather limited. However, by the in-field investigation, I gradually become aware that such exterior factors including the intensity of light, evenness of surface, the pace of camera shutter as well as the intensity of vibration in the process of transportation were also contributing factors. I raised my suggestion to Pro. Xia and was then accepted. our team readjusted those preset algorithm designs in terms of using rigid ropes to replace hemp ropes, setting five levels of light intensity from the tiny, less-intense, medium, bright and glare and two levels of camera pace. These adjustable variables and parameters further strengthened the justification and values for real-life application, which were then hailed by the would-be customers who bought this system in the future. Now, our team members are still struggling for the most effective solution to eliminate the tiny error in different transporting environment. After two-semester efforts, we finally published a paper with the chained address in attached documents and many transportation stops and companies will apply our design into real use to greatly improve the working efficiency and to make profits as well . But to me, those laborious loaders will escape from the repetitive jobs of re-recognition and under extreme weather conditions, they will be seldom injured by being frostbite, scorching or stuffy. I firmly believe that engineers should contribute to society in their ways which are differed from artists and writers.
Having determined to be one of first-rate ECE engineers, I am striving for every possible effort both in academic studies and professional research. I am going to apply for NYU-Poly. It provides a platform to furnish their students with advanced theory and valid practice. It is exact the university that I am destined to apply. What’s more, NYU-Poly is a university assembling world-class professors and elite in the ECE field, with an accomplished faculty and modern research resources. These should help set a good stage for me to exercise my keen mental power and diligence. If I were accepted, I would be confident that I could make quick progress in the ECE field. I believe the progress we are making in these areas will help shape the future of mankind. I would like to be at the forefront of such progress.

（答主私人微信号:13382004272, 需要转载请联系我稿费事宜，本人长期提供名校留学申请咨询和个性化申请文书的写作和润色服务）

沐宝贝0119 · 2021-10-28 16:42:55

I am a vessel, one that assembles the figure of a 37-year-old. One that weighs the soul of a struggled-unsettled, wandering, lingering, and questioning. One often contemplates the sets of identities being told: forever a daughter, always a survivor, and by the end of the day, a mother.

分分过来腹 · 2021-10-28 20:46:16

“
这个社会已经被偏见和歧视蚕食，
我希望没有人再经历我经历过的这一切，
所以我想要改变这个社会，
我想要帮助更多人。
但我意识到我自己在这个庞大的世界里的渺小和无能为力，
因此我想要申请贵校来实现的我的梦想，
让每个人都可以不畏惧地面对真实的自己。
”
写给某个院校的diversity statement

狼捕风 · 2021-10-29 03:50:17

有人说题主需要的不是给秘书的信，而是个人陈述。嗯，我觉得结尾段落可以这样写：

我不是为了我自己在申请——显然，我会有很多的录取，我会有幸福的一生。我也不是为了我的领域，甚至所谓人类的福祉——显然，无论我在哪里，是否有学位，我的贡献已经在那里，并且将在那里，烛照人类的未来。显然，我是为了贵校而申请的，为了贵校的将来。我希望以我的申请给贵校一个机会：你们可以在招生海报上写下我的名字，“他曾经在这里学习”；你们可以欢迎四方的来客，到这里找寻我的雕像、我的足迹；你们可以在真正的、非比喻的、非修辞的、非夸张的意义上说：“从我们这里，曾经走出过一个伟大的人。”

翻成英文大概是这样的：

I am not applying for my own sake - for sure, I shall have many offers and enjoy a flourishing life. Nor am I applying for the future of my field, not even the concomitant well-being of mankind - for sure, my contributions have been there and will be there, illuminating the world from the heart of darkness, wherever I shall be, having a degree or not. For sure, I am applying for the sake of your institution - for your sake alone. I am offering you, with my application, a chance to print my name on the recruiting posters for all future seasons, a chance to receive delightful tourists, coming from all over the universe to visit my statues, and in all a chance to announce, in a non-metaphorical, non-rhetorical and non-exaggerated way, that &#34;we have produced a great man in history&#34;.

摘自以前写的一小说。

柯棂街 · 2021-10-29 13:50:27

本文译自芝士圈首席文书官Andrew Daum（牛津大学PPE）；原回答链接指路：
你在出国留学文书里写过的最漂亮的句子是什么？下面是正文：
<hr/>这很难说，但我认为你写出国留学文书不应是为了写出漂亮的句子。
当然不是说漂亮的句子不能写。然而根据我的经验，任何以想写出漂亮句子为目的而开始（或者结束）一篇文书，到最后都无法写出漂亮的句子。

最漂亮的句子

莎士比亚曾经说过，内在主观性中的美，向来以华丽的方式存在：
“美凭借眼睛来判断。”——《爱的徒劳》，2.1 （或许这跟现代英语俗语里“美存在于欣赏者的眼中”有异曲同工之处。按照中文来说就是“情人眼里出西施”。）
就像对于“美”的定义一样，你的文书也没有绝对“漂亮”的标准。因为文书的优劣取决于阅读它的人。也许有人觉得这篇文书写得好，而另一个人却觉得老套，费解和冗长。其中，人物，时间，地点，情绪，精神状态等各种随时变化又不受影响的因素在发挥着作用，就像他们此刻作用于你一样。
我曾在大学的好友因为他写出了一些非常漂亮的文章，导致他的教授怀疑他抄袭：
“我不知道你从哪儿弄到这些，但我知道你肯定是在哪里弄到的。等我找到了...”
而这位教授正因其易怒与断言的个性而为人所知。我不是在暗示你不要冒险去写漂亮的申请文书，而是想通过这个例子强调一点：不同的人（对同一事物）有不同的反应。
在写文书的时候——或者说为了使文书写得更好——你所要做的是对你的读者的需求，愿望及具体情况等信息进行反复地思考与分析。你最要关心的不是“怎样的句子才是一句漂亮的句子？”而是“怎样才能使得你的读者获得对你的最佳印象？这包括他们想要什么？以及你该以怎样的方式给到他们？”
值得强调的是，写文书的目的（也就是学校的招生办一直以来要求的）就是为了了解你。因此在介绍你自己的过程中，你需要使他们坚信你：

所有这些都是关于你自己。
因此，你（在文书写作中）的措辞表达不应刻意为“美”而存在。如果我们过于张显地去追求文字的美感，那只会使得那种美感沦为一种矫揉造作或曲意逢迎。
相反，你的表达应当，也即在你写这令人头大的文书时你需要时刻提醒自己——保持真实。
因为可以这样说，一个所有人都会认同的美丽特质，而你的文书也特别要求你呈现的东西，那就是——真实。
你对真实性的追求将使你能凭借仔细的思考，策划和编辑，事半功倍地获得你想要的美感。
因为美不可能掌握或概念化，申请者往往将风格与实质混为一谈。在写个人陈述这类不熟悉的写作类型时，申请者往往会认为质量上乘或者行文漂亮的文书均有一套固定的模板或规定。出于本性，大多数人仍固持一套自己的模式和观点：想想整容手术，想想迪斯尼，再想想在抵达宝库时而你才知道你走错了方向。
（于是）他们走过头了...过度了。
我一直痴迷于数据挖掘和机器学习，因为智力总是能从中得到开发与增长。
真的吗？“总是”如此吗？在你生命中的每一天，都这样“痴迷”？指出这一点时，很难不听起来有指责意味。但我的意思是，这明显是一个不真实的陈述。不然，请找出一个痴迷于数据挖掘的小孩为例。
也许我听起来在班门弄斧，但我没有，真的没有！我所关心的并不是（文书中）小的规则，相反，完完全全是最基本的：招生办的那群人对你会有什么样的印象？
这包括一个非常笼统而绝对的观点，你也不知道在哪一处，或隐或显地就与读者的认知产生了对立。这些短语由于表述不准确，表明了你并没有充分准备文书；因此，你正向阅读你文书的读者透露，你并没有真正重视他们挤出时间和精力给予你的这次机会。这就是问题所在。
My intern experience as a teaching assistant in XXX provided me a precious opportunity to explore my never-ending passion for education. By learning about different pedagogical techniques, I hope to transform the way education is provided in remote rural areas.
我认为使用一般形容词将会使你的行文相当粗糙。“哦，但他们会知道我的意思。我说的是，我爱教学”是的，他们不傻，但他们也知道了你没有精准措辞。这种印象对你的录取是有帮助还是无益？你自己想想看。
总之你可以这样写：
I taught a class of 64 children. They were different ages. One boy said he was ten but he looked too tiny. Others were in their late teens. They looked different to the classes I&#39;d taught back home, but what struck me most was how they moved, the lack of energy. No-one misbehaved. By the end of the day, I had memorized each of their names.
很朴素的表达。然而写得“漂亮”吗？鬼才在乎漂不漂亮！关键在于，在阅读的当下，阅读者正在进入和了解作者。对于申请入学来说，这样的文本更好些。你甚至可以说在这个意义上它更美丽，因为它更接近基本要求：介绍你自己，然后表明你的动机以及相关技能。
无论在何地，以怎样的方式发生，任何一次言过其实的表述都会削弱其所置身的整体性。放逸式地夸大其词可以摧毁读者心中作者所期望的那个对象。—— E. B 怀特
另一种文本是过度使用装饰性的语言，而我认为这也是出于相同的原因。复杂的单词不是漂亮的单词，因为......‘漂亮’是主观的。就像言过其实的表达会在无形中破坏了真实性一样，装饰性的单词或言语也会引起极端情绪。在出国留学的文书写作中，你应该仔细推敲每一个字（很明显你应该这样做）。
After trembling and advancing in the field...
在这里，为了使句子产生效果，作者使用了一个形容词来描述“一种通常是焦虑，兴奋或虚弱引起的颤抖”。这种表述有点令人费解，（因为）没有任何一位英语母语者的人会使用这种单词组合。但最重要的问题并不是其表述非常不清楚——至少于我而言——（我会猜测）这短语可能是什么意思，虽然这确实引起了对更加微妙和严肃的问题的关注：作者的意图是明显的，但最终的表达却看起来有点是在刻意为之。
“颤抖”这个词会唤起某种......紧张感？当某事情深刻地影响我们时，我们会颤抖。你不能只是抓住单词本身，并期望通过输出它们，这样你就会说服读者做出同样的反应，或者说服他们说你确实以万丈光芒般的热情爱上了这门学科。也许就像你喜欢物理和重力一样，但你，作为写作者，能让另一个人感受到你狂热力量的唯一方式（我可以自创任何通俗的表达，只要你想得到。创造它们其实并不难。它们与任何真实的东西无关，所以这就是为什么它们没有多少价值的原因）是...暂停片刻，并思考：他们想要什么？我怎么给到他们？
保持真实，做你自己。你可以通过保持文书的质朴简单来做到这一点。不要痴迷于“迷人开放而引人入胜的开头”或“巧妙结束一个别出心裁的结尾”等模式。这些令人眼花缭乱的期待会让你拖延甚至迷失方向。我10岁的时候，我有一位很棒的地理老师。我们都叫他Wallbank老师。他是个非常用心的人。他曾经为我们布置了许多小测验和测试，以确保我们学习如何正确拼写单词“密西西比”，并记住“瓦加杜古是布基纳法索的首都”。这些测验和测试都非常正式，因而在每次测试之前，他都会像举行一场发条仪式般，对我们说：
每个人都要记得......最重要的规则是什么？ K.I.S.S.
K.I.S.S.是什么意思？
老师会请人回答，这个意思是：保持简单、谦卑。
我花了大约20年时间才弄清楚这条小准则有多重要和强大，要是你能完全接受它的话。（我现在正在实践它！）你在申请入学，解释有些东西对你重要的原因时，关键点就在于，简单就是强大：
从你的生活中选择一个特定而有意义的事件或例子，而该事件或事例正是与你对申请项目的兴趣和动机的发展模式相关联。
使用特定简单的语言描述发生的事情。尽量选择具体的名词。删掉形容词。
此刻，你可能正走在通往某种美好事物的道路上。
回顾你写的内容，并考思考这些词还可以给你带来哪些提示（正面以及负面的）；考虑哪些部分会吸引你的读者。
了解这一事件如何与你的整体发展和进步模式相关联（因为你需要将此与其他材料一起拼接成你陈述中更完整的叙述）。
从头开始再写一遍。请记住，描述这件事时不再需要面面俱到，写得像对所有事情都充满激情，（而这份“激情”）这一点都不重要。
大声阅读你所写的内容。特别要注意单词的节奏和发音。我认为这可以帮助你使文章简洁明了，并让你更好地了解文本如何与其他人产生共鸣。在审阅与这篇文书同等重要的文件时，内在独白由于太过个人化，因此不能够使人完全相信。你要拥有自己的判断力。
相关回答链接：
写英文简历，需要注意哪些问题？申请国外 PhD，套瓷信应该避免哪些问题？

撤豆戎兵卧 · 2021-10-29 17:04:34

很多英语专业的朋友可能听到外教们不止一次地建议，在英文写作中要多尝试用动词代替名词，因为他们认为动词更有力度，更容易领会。这个建议本身并没有错，但与中文不同的是，英语词型灵活多变。例如，动词&#34;lead&#34;，可变为&#34;leader&#34; ，这对中国学生来说是比较容易理解的部分。然而，&#34;lead&#34; 和 &#34;leader&#34; 这两个本来有具体含义的词，还可以进一步变为抽象的&#34;leadership&#34;。我们在申请文书特别是推荐信中经常使用到&#34;leadership&#34;，虽然这个词的概念并不难理解，但中国人很难找到相应的中文词语。通常情况下，&#34;leadership&#34;被翻译为“领导才能”，这样我们就犯了以偏盖全的错误，因为“领导才能”是一个具体名词，而&#34;leadership&#34;比“领导才能”的含义多得多。中国的英语学习者不难理解&#34;She married a welathy person who comes from an influential and powerful political family&#34;或者&#34;She married into a wealthy and powerful political family&#34;，因为&#34;family&#34;和&#34;person&#34;都是具体名词，但是要明白&#34;She married a powerful political political dynasty&#34;就不是那么容易了。因为 &#34;dynasty&#34;是个抽象名词。
由于这种语言差异的存在，学英语的中国人很自然地倾向使用具体名词而不是抽象名词，可能是因为汉语善于运用具体名词而在抽象名词的使用上相对较弱的原因。
再举一个大家非常熟悉的&#34;scholarship&#34;为例，作为具体名词，意思是“奖学金”，但很少有人知道它可以作为抽象名词来解释，如：
Drawing on the scholarship of the ancient China, Profe or Joseph Needham and his Chinese collaborators at Cambridge University wrote what was to become the colo al 25 volumes of &#34;Science and Civilization in China&#34;.
在这里，&#34;scholarship&#34;的意思是学识、学问。书面英语，特别是一篇写得好的申请信中常使用抽象名词。中国申请者在文书方面面临的最大挑战之一是如何学会包括运用抽象名词在内的技巧。
例：
具体： She has become so famous that her name is synonymous to one of the la in this university.
抽象： She has become an i titution in one of the la in this university.
具体： Mr.Liu is one of the youngest Fellows of the National Scoiety and a most distinguished biochemist.
抽象： Mr.Liu is one of the youngest Fellows of the National Scoiety and a biochemist of co iderable distinction.
具体： My US friends took me to a great many historical corners in campus of Harvard and shared with me abundant information, which I could hardly have obtained in any other way.
抽象： My US friends offered me a remarkable orientation of Harvard&#39;s history, which I could hardly have obtained in any other way.
具体： You must seek the word, the verb, and the adjective that best captures your ideas, and never be satisfied with the ones that only come close to what you want to convey.
抽象： You must seek the word, the verb, and the adjective that best captures your ideas, and never be satisfied with a roximatio .
注意，我们承认英语中存在大量的抽象名词，但并不等于说这些词广泛适用。有些时候这些词过于抽象，读者得不到较切实的印象。拿&#34;Mi Wu had great succe in her study&#34;这句化来说，&#34;Mi Wu reached the top ladder of her study&#34;就比它形象具体得多了。我们不说&#34;We go to great length of serving customers with courtesy&#34;，而说&#34;We serve our cu tomers with a smile&#34;.

xavi607 · 2021-10-29 21:21:38

Perhaps it is controversial to say this, but I don&#39;t think you should be aiming to write beautiful sentences in your study abroad documents.
I&#39;m not saying beautiful sentences are unwelcome, of course! But, in my experience, starting (or ending!) any piece of writing with the goal of...

最漂亮的句子

...is going to prevent you from producing beautiful sentences.
Shakespeare warns us—as ever, in gorgeous fashion—about the inherent subjectivity of beauty:

Beauty is bought by judgement of the eye Love&#39;s Labour&#39;s Lost, 2.1 (This is probably related to the modern English idiom &#39;beauty is in the eye of the beholder&#39;)

There is no fixed standard. It depends who&#39;s reading your stuff! What one reader finds &#34;beautiful&#34;, another may find trite, baffling, or laborious. Person, time, place, mood, spiritual condition, all sorts of utterly variable and completely impervious factors are at play, just as they&#39;re at play in you, right now.
I had a friend at university who wrote such beautiful essays his professor accused him of plagiarism:

I don&#39;t know where you got this but I know you got this SOMEWHERE and when I find out...

This professor was known for being fiery and judgmental. I&#39;m not suggesting this is a risk for your application documents. I&#39;m just using the example to emphasize: People react differently.
When writing—and in order to write well—do all you can to consider, reflect on, and analyze the information you have available about the needs, desires, and circumstances of your audience. The best question is not &#34;What is a beautiful sentence?&#34; but rather &#34;What is going to have the most positive impact on your audience: What do they want? How can you give it to them?&#34;
The purpose of the document (which—it&#39;s worth emphasizing—the admissions team have requested) is to find out about you. And, in the process of introducing yourself, you need to persuade them that you are:

It&#39;s all about you.
The goal for your language should therefore not be &#39;beauty&#39; which—if we pursue it directly—can only ever be some spurious fabrication or potluck estimate about the disposition of others.
The goal for your language, the word that should infuse your mind while writing this darn thing is &#39;authentic&#39;.
Because here&#39;s the thing: There is something all other human beings find beautiful, and your application documents are specifically requiring that you provide: Truth.
By pursuing authenticity you will—with careful reflection, curation, and editing—arrive at beauty half the time.
Because beauty is impossible to grasp or conceptualize, candidates often conflate style with substance. When people are new to the type of writing statements call for, it&#39;s very common that they want to believe there is some definition or formula for what good writing, or beautiful writing, is. Most people—because it&#39;s human nature to do so—settle on whatever set of stereotypes and received ideas they have nearest to hand: Think plastic surgery, think Disney, think about reaching for the thesaurus and you know you&#39;re on the wrong track.
They go over-the-top... they go superlative.

I have always been obsessed with data mining and machine learning since intelligence is always extracted from data.

Really? Always? Every day of your life - obsessed? It&#39;s hard not to sound critical when pointing this out. All I mean is, it&#39;s a self-evidently untrue statement. Find me a baby who is obsessed with data mining, for example.
It sounds like I&#39;m being pedantic, but I&#39;m not. Not really. My point isn&#39;t concerned with a minor rule, it&#39;s completely fundamental: What impression will the admissions reader have of you?
Including such a sweeping and absolute assertion will—somewhere, subliminally or explicitly—antagonize the reader&#39;s mind. Because such phrases are not accurate, using them suggests you have not put maximum care into preparation of the document; in doing so, you&#39;re suggesting to the reader you do not really value the opportunity represented by their time and attention. This is problematic.

My intern experience as a teaching assistant in XXX provided me a precious opportunity to explore my never-ending passion for education. By learning about different pedagogical techniques, I hope to transform the way education is provided in remote rural areas.

Adjectives in general are pretty rough terrain, I&#39;d say. &#34;Oh but they&#39;ll know what I mean! I mean I love teaching&#34; Yes. They will. They&#39;ll also know you&#39;re not choosing your words accurately. Is this impression helpful or unhelpful to your admission prospects? You decide.
You could after all say something like:

I taught a class of 64 children. They were different ages. One boy said he was ten but he looked too tiny. Others were in their late teens. They looked different to the classes I&#39;d taught back home, but what struck me most was how they moved, the lack of energy. No-one misbehaved. By the end of the day, I had memorized each of their names.

Simple language. Is it beautiful? Who cares. The point is, when someone reads it, they&#39;re meeting the writer. For the context and purposes of admissions, this is better. You could even say in that sense it&#39;s more beautiful, because it&#39;s closer to the fundamental requirement: Introducing you, asserting your motivation and relevant skills.

A single overstatement, wherever or however it occurs, diminishes the whole, and a carefree superlative has the power to destroy, for the reader, the object of the writer&#39;s enthusiasm. E.B. White

Another version of this, which is—I believe—motivated by the same factors is overwrought or ornamental language. Complicated words are not pretty words, because... &#39;pretty&#39; is subjective. Just as superlatives subtly undermine trust, so do ornamental words or words that evoke emotional extremes. In an admissions document you should carefully weighing every word (it should not be apparent that you have not done so).

After trembling and advancing in the field...

Here, in the desire to have impact, the writer is using an adjective that describes &#34;shaking or quivering, typically as a result of anxiety, excitement, or frailty&#34;. It&#39;s a bit confusing. No native English speaker would use this combination of words. But the most significant problem is not that it&#39;s very unclear—to me at least—what this phrase could possibly mean, although this really does draw attention to the subtler and more serious issue: It is obvious what the writer is trying to do, which ends up looking a bit manipulative.
The word &#34;trembling&#34; evokes a sort of... intensity? We tremble when something has affected us profoundly. You can&#39;t just grab words and expect that by inserting them you&#39;ll convince the reader to have the same reaction, or convince them that you are indeed in love with your subject with the force of a thousand suns. Perhaps you love physics as much as gravity, but the only way that you—as a writer—can get another person to feel the... wild-eyed force of your fervor (I could invent as many silly phrases as you want - it&#39;s not hard, and it doesn&#39;t relate to anything real, and that&#39;s why there&#39;s not much value in it) is by... pausing. Thinking: What do they want? How can I give it to them?
By being real. Being you. You do that by keeping it simple. Don&#39;t obsess over notions like &#34;fascinating opening 的引人入胜的开头&#34; or &#34;ingenious ending 一个别出心裁的结尾也&#34;. These dizzying expectations will either make you procrastinate or cause you to get lost. When I was 10 years old I had a wonderful Geography teacher. He was called Mr. Wallbank. He was such a nice man. He used to set us lots of little quizzes and tests to make sure we&#39;d learned how to spell &#34;Mississippi&#34; and remembered that &#34;Ouagadougou is the capital of Burkina Faso&#34;. These quizzes and tests were taken very seriously, but before every single one of these tests he&#39;d say to us, like a clockwork ritual:

And remember everyone... What&#39;s the most important rule? K.I.S.S. What does K.I.S.S. mean?

Someone would be picked to answer: It means: Keep It Simple, Stupid.
It took me about 20 years to figure out just how important and powerful this little rule can be, if only you can fully and completely accept it. (I&#39;m working on it!) The point is, when you explain why something matters to you in an admissions context, simple is powerful:
Pick a specific, meaningful incident or example from your life that connects to the pattern of development that has created your interest and motivation for the program.
Describe what happened using specific, simple language. Reach for concrete nouns. Drop the adjectives.
You could be on the road to something beautiful at this point.
Review what you write and consider what else the words suggest about you (positive and negative); consider which of those would appeal to your audience.
Have an awareness of how this incident connects into your overall pattern of development and progress (because you&#39;ll need to weave this—along with other material—into a more complete narrative in your statement).
Rewrite as before. Remember that the words you use to describe the incident will not be an all-encompassing, catch-all like the word &#34;passion&#34;. This doesn&#39;t matter one bit.
Read what you wrote out loud. Pay attention in particular to the rhythm and the sound of the words. I think this can help you keep it clear and simple, and give you a better idea of how the text might resonate with someone else. The internal monologue is too personal and close-by to trust entirely when reviewing documents as important as these! You need perspective.

淡定从容2017 · 2021-10-30 08:23:48

最近很多在申请留学的同学问我怎样才能写出一篇好的文书？鉴于市面上的大部分文书范例或是文书思路都过于老套，毫无新意，对于众多留学的同学毫无帮助，我决定分享一下个人关于写作留学文书的心得。

我一直强调两点：
1. 文书的主要目的在于让admission office的工作人员记住有你这个人，也就是要凸显你的与众不同。请大家想一下，如果所有申请者都是按照同一个思路来写，同一个模板来写，说白了，所有申请者呈现给审核官的是同一个人，不管你个人具体的经历有多不一样多特殊，你并不能展现你独有的一面。那么如果你的硬性条件也不突出（GPA不高，GRE 不高，TOEFL不高），凭什么admission office 会录取你呢？

2. 留学文书，不管留学中介吹得有多么玄乎，它本质上就是一篇作文。你可以把它想象成高考的命题作文，那么一篇好文书的特征一定与一篇好的文章大体相似。如果我们联想我们平常阅读的好文章，一个基本的评判标准就是：真感情>独到见解>好文字>千篇一律，留学文书亦是。一篇好的留学文书，正如一篇好文章，它可以有不同的格式体裁，它可以是议论文，也可以是散文，可以是小说也可以是诗歌。所以目前大部分学生写的文书，至少在我看来，就只能属于高考千篇一律的文章。他们错在把文书和文章独立开来，没想到写文书就是写文章。写文章是在创作，是在表达。现在写“文书”却是在记录，在吹嘘。

有了这个大体的思路后，我希望更多的同学能用心对待自己的留学文书。你要相信，如果你喜欢阅读，喜欢写作，那么你一定能写出一样优秀的留学文书。好的作文，无论语言，总是相通的。下面分享一篇我们自己的一篇布朗大学的文书（最终收获offer和全额奖学金）：

Elderly Plano man lost $250,000 in Jamaican fraud scheme ---one of the many similar news headlines

Experience shapes a man. For me, it were three summers that shaped my goal into proliferating financial literacy, and convinced myself that I will need further education in economics, society, politics, and human nature. I would love to now introduce you the story of how a boy decided to bring a little change to this world.

When you combine ignorance and leverage, you got interesting result ---Warren Buffet

Growing up in a single‐parented family, I had no big difference comparing with others with my mum’s love that I can never repay. One slight difference might be having to aid my mum in researching and learning about personal financing at a rather young age. It was since then that I was fascinated by the system of thinking of Economics that trains one to consider every little variables and to make the optimal selection out of uncertainty. This passion in Economics soon turned into a realization of the necessity of the subject in 2008, when my family suffered from the Lehman Brothers’ mini‐bond crisis in Hong Kong. It was since then, a true desire to learn about finance, and to protect my family, was implanted into a 12‐years‐old mind.

With this desire, I decided to leave my country. It was the summer in 2013, however, when I was at the bank preparing financial statements for transferring to Johns Hopkins University, that consolidate my goal to proliferate financial literacy. An elderly couple in front of me started arguing with the staff. Hearing the conversation, I realized the couple suffered loss in their savings as they misunderstood the nature of the financial product and overlooked a change in bank policy. I thought about my mum and I feeling helpless during the 2008 crisis, and my grandparents having no clues on what product to trust with their life‐savings, and of course, many other families in my country who are suffering, or will be suffering, from financial illiteracy.

Fast forward to another summer in 2015, during my internship at one of the largest asset management firm in China, I witnessed the largest crash in China’s stock market. The individual investors’ use of leverage and inability to identify obvious junk bonds, contributed to the crash. Stories of families in China losing their life saving as listening to their barbers’ “advice’ even made headline of the Wall Street Journal. The potential contagious impact of financial illiteracy, for the first time, was vividly presented in front of me. It was by then I have truly realized that financial crisis may strike once in a while, but people’s lack of financial literacy corrodes their life every second.

I hope to do something about this, and am eager to learn more about it. It was the summer in 2014, however, when a democratic movement in Hong Kong attracted high international attention, taught me that knowledge in economics itself was far from enough for my goal.

That&#39;s how it starts. The fever, the rage, the feeling of powerlessness that turns good men cruel ---Alfred, Superman vs Batman Trailer

I am not running out of quotes, but my heart pounded hard when I heard this line accompanied by the story context for the trailer. In summer 2014, the China government implicitly rejected the demand for popular election of Hong Kong’s Chief Executive. Numerous protests were organized and they facilitated the soaring anti‐China sentiment that long existed due to economics frustration and cultural difference. The sentiment peaked during the Umbrella Revolution, and an internal division of pro‐ and anti‐China group emerged in Hong Kong. Rage and prejudice on China was cultivated, and were even exerted on anyone who spoke Mandarin instead of Cantonese. Born in China but raised in Hong Kong, I was in a dilemma set by the peer pressure, and the overwhelming social media that catalyzed both the prejudice and the division; I, and many other Hong Kong citizens, was forced to take an absolute stand.

It was perhaps inside the dilemma that I discerned a concerning implication by this social sentiment. Due to the prejudice and the reinforcement of the new emerged anti‐China identity, rational economics and political demands were crowded‐out by the rejections and distrust on both the Chinese and Hong Kong government. Policy implementation was, therefore, difficult. Several economics arrangements and developments related to China were deterred by the irrational sentiment; the postponing of Shenzhen‐Hong Kong Stock Link was an example. Taking part of the democratic movement demanding for democracy, yet refused to fell into irrational prejudices, I realized the shortcomings of economics trainings alone. Cultural and social dynamics, as well as the power of information technology in shaping the dynamics, shall be incorporated with economics into an interdisciplinary thinking, a skill my goal of proliferating financial literacy requires. And I believe the interdisciplinary training provided by Watson’s MPA program uniquely fits what I desire.

Just as it was not possible to live in an industrialized society without print literacy, the ability to read and write, so it is not possible to live in today’s world without being financially literate --- Annamaria Lusardi

The above quote is also an excerpt from Professor Justine Hastings’ Financial Literacy, Financial Education, and Economics Outcome. Although the work have may suggested other solution, such as stricter regulation, may be more effective than financial education to generate better financial outcome, I still believe financial literacy is a right for every citizen to protect themselves and make informed decisions. What I am really drawn into, however, are the future research directions that Professor Hastings has pointed out. How much financial education and via what vehicle should one acquires? And how government and policy can best promote the education?

My personal experience shapes my interest to directly align with this set of questions, and I believe the answer requires a multi‐disciplinary investigation that the leading faculty of a diverse array of fields at Watson will provide. I will be learning the social context of China, the quantitative skills to analyze and persuade my initiatives, and how to facilitate my goal with technology and with the form of social venture. The unique curriculum of the MPA program will also empower me to evaluate, analyze, and implement policy with an interdisciplinary approach that helps me step towards to my goal.

Another important research direction that Professor Hasting pointed out was to what extent of finance should a citizen be educated? My opinion to this question, based on my experience living in China, is the ability to understand data and statistics. As data communication prevails in everyday life, especially in the field of finance, it will be critical for developing countries like China to prioritize equipping their citizen to comprehend data and statistics. The new big data track from the Watson’s MPA program will not only allow me to evaluate and analyze more complex policy, but it will also allow me to understand the core of statistics, and hopefully to participate in the research direction that Professor Hastings’ has pointed out regarding financial education. The opportunity to connect and work for the governor and state agencies at Rhode Island is another unique feature of Watson that deeply attracts me.

To know what you know and what you do not know, that is true knowledge ---Confucius

Apart from the intangible passion, I may be lacking the working experience. However, I believe my concrete goal to proliferate financial literacy, coupled with my limited yet special internship experience, empower me to be nothing less than other applicants. My diverse experience across startup in Hong Kong, asset management firm in China, and the headhunting sector, allowed me to grasp insights into the related industries and skills that set a strong base for my education in Watson.

As I restate my personal story, I found my uniqueness also in the perspective I can offer. Before coming to the USA 4 years ago, I spent my childhood in Fujian, China, and received education for 10 years in Hong Kong. I have conducted a case study on Foxconn’s suicide incidents during my time in Albright College. Due to my unique background, I was able to conduct field study in Shenzhen and incorporated a social dimension into the research project. Moreover, trainings in both political theories and quantitative skills at Johns Hopkins University offered me a good foundation to adopt and acquire the interdisciplinary thinking rapidly at Watson. I believe the best applicant is not necessarily the one who knows everything, but the one who knows exactly what he lacks and what he wants to take away from the program. I believe I am that applicant, and am confident to succeed and contribute at Watson’s MPA program.

如有更多疑问和想法的同学，可以继续私信我。

神鹰集团欣 · 2021-10-30 18:33:50

作者：AdmitWrite研究生留学
链接：https://www.zhihu.com/question/37534579/answer/691231777
来源：知乎
著作权归作者所有。商业转载请联系作者获得授权，非商业转载请注明出处。

我是一个痴迷语言的人，它体现的情绪、说服力，是客观证据无法匹敌的。在书面语体中，PS是一种目的性极强的文体，正因为它的指向性和专业度，很多人在第一次下笔时并不知道如何展开。实际上，PS的高光部分，除了备受大家关注的引人入胜的开头，一个别出心裁的结尾也同样重要。一般PS的结构，是在开头引入自己的初衷，文章主体阐述能力和成长，文末介绍择校理由和个人规划，在此之后多数学生并不知道如何收尾，为自己的竞争力再添一笔，或者如何回到这次申请上来。看到这个题目，我想到了一位申请香港大学CS专业硕士的学生。

原文是这样的:

After the course, I want to dedicate myself to the area of P Quant- Risk Analysis and Portfolio management. With the boom of online financial business, the technology of big data was developed to meet the requirement of massive data processing. This will be the core for data-driven P Quant. Based on the project, I will reinforce the focus on data-driven practices, and optimization of quantitative trading.

在金融数学专业的本科四年学习与实践中，我逐渐坚定了未来将在P Quant－风险与组合管理这一领域进行学术探索与寻求职业发展。而近年来，金融行业电子化的推进带来了交易数据的极速增长，IT行业接二连三的产业升级也催生出大数据技术这一能够处理海量数据的计算技术。这对于极其依赖数据的P Quant来说，无疑是一个梦幻舞台的浮现。在这个前所未有的数据时代，我将在研究生阶段强化对数据方面的学习，致力于用quant trading来实现资源的极致优化。

单独作为学术规划，这段文字尚可。但好的学术规划最好细而专业，选择的小方向一般是借鉴个人经历或者时事发展的结果，因此最好实现前后文呼应。

如果只做语言修改并适当补充学术细节：

After trembling and advancing in the field, I am determined to delve into P-quant business, risk analysis and portfolio management. Digitalization of the finance industry brought about exponential growth of incurring transaction data, while frequent IT business upgrades propel application of big data to deal with mass data processing. The time has come for P quantitative – specially for data-sensitive business. I anticipate further honing my data processing skills for optimized resource allocation. Now I can graph sophisticated functions via MATLAB, and build profiting strategic models with Python. But I will always remember that afternoon when the nine-year-old me tirelessly tapped “print” to converse with my imaginary machine friend.

学生本来的论述已算具体，在专业方面详述了自己的规划，对自我和专业的认知把握都很准确。那么这么写有什么问题呢？

学校的选择，个人学术、职业的规划基于对于自身能力与志向、行业趋势和发展的清晰认知和预测，这一部分是否言之有物，本身就是对学生能力的一种检测。而一般学生的问题在于，不具备清晰的自我规划和专业度。关于这点，要多去了解行业热门方向与技术，结合自己的背景与兴趣选择合适的小方向。

这位学生专业能力很强，拿到多个含金量很高的实习，KDA更是专业前列。这样平淡的结尾并不能体现个人的前瞻力。经过初次沟通，发现学生是一位极具浪漫主义情怀的工科女生，她对于自己要投身的方向有很多憧憬。她说怕文书体现太多个人色彩不利于专业度的呈现，因此遏制了诸多表达欲望。我告诉她，在充分论述个人经历的基础上，个人色彩反而是让自己脱颖而出的助力，因此有了下边的改文:

After trembling and advancing in the field, I am determined to delve into P-quant business, and risk and portfolio management. Digitalization of the finance industry brought about exponential growth of transaction data, while frequent IT business upgrades incur big data to deal with mass data processing. The time has come for P quantitative – extremely data-sensitive business. I anticipate further honing my data processing skills for optimized resource allocation. Now I can graph sophisticated functions via MATLAB, and build profiting strategic models with Python. But I will always remember that afternoon when the x-year-old me tirelessly tapped “print” to converse with my imaginary machine friend. Building on artificial intelligence and cloud-native products, tens of thousands of lines of codes may be concocted in less than a few seconds. Or after the tide ebbed, we will be disappointed to find out that the data technology revelry will not bring us to the essence any closer. But what difference does it make? With merely a glimpse into the advent of the revolution, the incitation of curiosity has driven one mad enough to swallow the temptation named possibility. Prelude been aired, will I be the protagonist in the following scene?

也许浪潮过后，人们发现这场数据盛宴并不一定能带来对世界本源更深层的认识，但是在这时代的开端，好奇心的驱使已足以让我疯狂，问谁又能阻挡住名为可能性者的诱惑呢？混沌已开，我会是那个英雄吗？

这个结尾好在哪里呢？

试想在一篇中文文章中，这几句已足够令人感同身受、心驰神往，若语言功力得当，在PS中更能脱颖而出。这是因为，文书常常侧重学术细节（虎头），如工科生回忆项目，经管专业回忆实习，而忽略个人特色（蛇尾）。学术文章难免枯燥，若加入“个性化定制“的内容，在相同专业度的前提下，更能给招生官留下深刻印象。

我一直鼓励学生从中文出发去挖掘自己文书的亮点。这是因为，母语的表述相对自由，用中文构思一段热情肆意的论述远比直接用英文写作容易得多。个人简历只能提供标签式的碎片经历，而推荐信是第三视角，相较之下，只有PS是学生直接与招生官对话的机会。书写得当，可将所有信息汇合为一个丰富而立体的人。

文章各部分都有自己的功能，开头与结尾可自由发挥的空间最大，而其中，结尾的难度最高。文思发散好写，再次汇聚并升华主旨才是真正的难点。

关于结尾写作，在此给大家几点建议：

1. 提高专业度。在学术规划方面，尽量细化留学期间想做的事情，和此后一段时间内的职业规划。学术方面最好与自身以往经历相连接，体现递进式的个人成长与规划。
2. 塑造人格。运用个性表述将自己与其他申请者区分开，树立鲜明的个人标签。
20世纪90年代初约瑟夫·奈提出国家软实力的概念，它指的是一国通过吸引和说服别国服从你的目标从而使你得到自己想要东西的能力，分为政治价值观（当这个国家在国内外努力实现这种价值观时）、文化（在能对他国产生吸引力的地方起作用）及外交政策（当政策被认为合法且具有道德威信时）。落到个人的层面，PS就是展示个人软实力的机会。文章开头总领全文，引入主题，奠定文章基调；结尾则要总结全文，升华个人情怀，以期巧工匠心。PS中，一份好的结尾，要么从行业角度高屋建瓴展望发展，要么从个人角度体现志向抱负。

【如有留学相关问题请添加微信： admitwrite101 详细咨询~】
<hr/>当然，限于经验和眼界，很多同学在写作PS时，很难高屋建瓴，甚至连选择什么样的素材来体现自己什么样的闪光点都很难判断。
有句话叫做：PS是改出来的。但对于很多人来说，有一个比较残酷的现实，那就是可能改很多遍都改不出来。
一是英语写作能力不够；
二是不了解PS的写作规则，写出来的东西不是人家想要的。
很多人在网上会看很多PS的写作攻略，我们也创作了全网最详细、最具实操性的PS写作攻略，但说实话，很多人看了之后依然会写不出一篇合格的PS。
这不怪你自己，写不好才是正常。我们平台有几百个美国top30，英国G5水平的留学生导师和外籍导师，他们也没几个敢说当初自己申请写文书so eazy。
所以，我们的建议是，找人帮你写/改。像L学姐这样优秀的文书导师，相信很多同学都会愿意将自己的PS交给她的。但话说回来，无论你是找熟人还是找留学机构，关键还是那个帮你写/改文书的人，TA的能力和负责任的程度，基本就决定了你文书的质量。
说能力，最适合帮你写文书的应该是什么样的人？我们给出的答案是有海外名校留学背景的学长学姐。UCLA，UIUC，加州伯克利行不行？哈佛，斯坦福，普林斯顿，MIT……行不行？显而易见，这个群体是最有资格帮你写文书的。
还有一个我们平台一直强调的同专业匹配的问题，申请中我们一直说要和学校项目match，找导师，也要match，否则他甚至没有你了解你想申请的专业。
如果你已经写好了初稿，只是想做进一步修改、润色，我们平台也有许多优秀的外籍导师，他们能够提供非常native的英语写作，让你的PS更加地道！
当然，无论是文书写作还是文书修改，我们都提供30天不限次数修改服务，根据统计，来Admitwrite使用文书服务的同学，无论是文书写作还是文书修改，最终被修改的次数，基本上都在2次以上，多的可能有5、6次。大家出去找留学机构，不给你多次修改机会的，请你一定要当心。因为文书都是改出来的，不允许多次修改就是耍流氓！
对于导师的选择，我们建议大家在选择一个导师前，先利用免费试改的机会，来自己判断我们平台导师的实力。免费试改可以让你避开很多坑，不过这个福利恐怕大部分传统留学机构都是没有的。
作为留学这个行业里面最具代表性的留学平台，我们也希望通过努力，为大家的留学圆一个梦。同时也希望通过我们的高标准，带动其他留学机构，改革留学模式，让机构更好地服务大家。

【如有留学相关问题请添加微信： admitwrite101 详细咨询~】
<hr/>AdmitWrite，基于共享经济模式建立的知名互联网留学平台，留学届Uber。迄今为止，平台入驻世界顶级名校导师已超过1000名，实现美国TOP30，英国G5，澳洲八大等多个地区名校全覆盖。学术大牛？名校学霸？外籍名校导师？牛人汇集地，你想要的都在这里。人文社科/商科/工科？理科/艺术/法学？不管什么方向，我们都能为你匹配同专业名校学霸，申请so easy！中介价格不划算？线上模式，拒绝无谓成本，打造极致专业度，极具性价比服务，让每一分钱都花到实处。

大牛谈留学之申请硬知识可以关注专栏：
学霸谈美国申请：哥大学姐带你冲藤校
大牛谈英国留学：剑桥学姐带你申海外名校
海量名校实战申请经验：海外名校申请经验